I have been having the worst food luck.

There are very few foods that I hate. Generally, I'm the kind of person who will eat anything, but I feel very strongly about my list of dislikes despite its reasonably short length.

The Top Five Foods That I Do Not like:
1)Beets
2)Cabbage
3)Mustard (unless it's in a salad dressing)
4)Ketchup (No.)
5) Pickles on things


So, the other day, I was right in the middle of this crazy-hard cheeseburger craving. I have never craved a food before like this. I was jonesing for beef patties and melted cheese. So, finally I gave in and went to McDonald's - granted, not the best decision in itself. But come on, I really needed a burger. Right after I ordered, I thought: "This damn thing is going to have pickles and mustard and ketchup all over it." My friend told me I was wrong, that No, They have the condiments around for you to put on the burger yourself. This was not the case. The thing was slathered in McDonald's-grade condiments. Sad, I know. I ate it anyway, and threw away the pickles. Little did I know, this was just the beginning.

When my host mother asked me (the night I arrived) whether there were any foods I disliked, I couldn't even think of any. That's how rarely I have problems with food. And, of course, I was being too polite. Keep in mind that I do eat everything; I'm not an ungrateful jackass.

Madame does not cook. Ever. Even when she cooks, she doesn't cook. And somehow, in less than 3 weeks, she has managed to hit four of my top five dislikes routinely. Keep in mind that I only eat here three times per week.

Madame's dressing of choice is equal parts mustard and ketchup mixed in a bowl. She is always insisting that I dip anything and everything in her adored sauce. I cannot comprehend a bowl of ketchup and mustard. I would rather put mayonnaise on my french (freedom) fries.

I loathe beets. I hate beets more than anything else, ever. They taste like dirt, and they look like someone spilled purple nail polish all over crystallized blood. Did I mention that beets taste like dirt? Only children eat soil, and even they don't often enjoy it. What did we have the other day? Beet salad. It sounds like I'm whining, but wait for the end of the story.

I had forgotten that everyone in France is loco for beets. It's some sort of genetic defect, I swear. The only places I have ever been where beets are a regular feature on restaurant menus are France and Quebec. It must be some sort of thing that the French teach their young at an early age - how to enjoy the delicate nuances of sod.

Cabbage is another substance that I dislike. In all of its forms. A few days ago, we had a lovely salad of red cabbage. I don't understand why anyone would ever make a salad consisting of nothing but red cabbage. It's...inconceivable. At any rate, once again, cabbage is a hit around here.

So, after the cabbage salad, there was also the Fish. Fish pieces, wrapped in plastic and then boiled to taste. Delicious. First of all, I don't trust the idea of cooking anything in plastic. It can't be good for you. Second, who cooks fish like that? I don't know. Third, when it's done, your fish tastes like plastic, which is arguably the worst part. Thankfully, we also had a vegetable "ratatouille" whipped up by the cleaning lady. At least it was strong enough to mask the plastic.

And then we had raclette, which is fun, but unfortunately does not contain all the ingredients of a balanced meal, and is certainly not cooking. What it is, is boiled potatoes covered with melted cheese (and accompanied by raw cauliflower and ketchup/mustard dip) . You melt the cheese yourself in a cute little cheese-melting tray. It's fun, but not really a meal.

And then we had crepes: Hurray, crepes! No. Store-bought crepes, reheated with melted cheese, packaged ham and scrambled eggs that madame had made earlier (she has only one pan).

And then today. As I was walking down the Rue de Levis on my way back from the metro this morning, I passed a little charcuterie that specializes in "Northern" foods.

Alright, look. I have to get this off my chest before I continue. I have a problem with Belgium. No, I have a problem with eating in Belgium. The only things there worth eating are the mussels and the french (freedom?) fries. The beer is great too, but that's because the food is awful and the inhabitants need something they can stomach.

Back to the charcuterie. As I passed, I looked at their sauerkraut stall. You will remember that I hate cabbage, and that sauerkraut is technically a member of the cabbage family, although sorcelated into something that's somehow worse than cabbage. These resemble popcorn machines, except instead of containing movie foods, they are full (like, really full) of sauerkraut and disturbing meats. Like large, strange sausages and fatty, gristly ham. As I walked by, I thought: "I hate sauerkraut. I hope Madame never serves that."

Guess what we had for dinner. I am not kidding. The sauerest of krauts, hot and steaming, covered with big, watery, salty sausages (the kind out of which you have to pick the larger bits of fat and connective tissue), and the very same dubious, fatty pork-meats.

I can't believe it. It's like russian roulette with food. Only it's a fully-loaded gun.

I am taking over the kitchen. By force, if necessary.